Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Kids Say the Darnedest Things

Yesterday, I volunteered at my youngest daughter's school (elementary school). It was "preview" day for our annual Santa shop, a shopping experience where the kids get to choose and purchase gifts for their family members without their parents around. I thought I'd share with you a couple of the conversations I had with some of the students that came.

Boy #1 (Third grade)

Boy: Excuse me.

Me: What can I do for you?

Boy: Do men where rings?

Me: (tries not to laugh) Well, some men like to wear rings. Other men don't. What sort of ring did you have in mind?

Boy: Well, one like this. (points to a delicate birthstone ring with a tiny band)

Me: (tried harder not to laugh) Do you think your Dad would enjoy getting this ring for Christmas?

Boy: (deadpan) My Dad? Who says I'm talking about my Dad? I'm talking about ME.

Me: Oh. (tries really really hard not to fall out laughing at the boy who wants to buy himself a ring and refers to himself as a man in third grade). Well (best grownup voice), I think maybe you should focus on buying for your family before you buy for yourself. Don't you agree?

Boy: (nods)


Boy #2 (pre-K or Kindergarten)

Boy: Hey.

Me: How about "excuse me" instead of "hey"?

Boy: Hey, excuse me.

Me: Yes?

Boy: (deadpan) I've been married before.

Me: (giggle escapes) You have? Who is your wife?

Boy: (totally put off by this notion) Wife? I don't have no wife!

Me: Usually, when a man (hey it worked for the third grader) gets married, he has a wife.

Boy: I don't have a wife! I have a GIRLFRIEND. We got married before.

Me: Oh. Okay.


Other funnies:

Girl: My mom can't give me any money because she can't make her car payment. (Not a funny situation. Just funny because kids should not be told these things. They repeat them.)

Boy: My mother is CHEAP. She REALLY likes things that are fifty cents or a dollar.

Boy: I'll tell her I went to Jarred.

Girl: Are you _____'s mom?
Me: Yes, I am.
Girl: (whispers loudly) I TOLD you she was ___'s mom!
Other girl: Nuh uh!
Girl: Uh huh. I just did!
Other girl: Excuse me. Are you ____'s mom?
Me: (wants to say NO and really mess them up) Yes.
Other girl: (hugs me) HI ___'s Mom!

I tied four shoes.
Said "bless you" three times.
Wanted to run away screaming from the girl with messy hair who kept scratching her head. I think she might have bugs.
Held my breath a dozen times when kids coughed at me.
 Got annoyed at a teacher who kept taking things out of the packages after we told her class there was to be NO TOUCHING today (way to set an example, Teach).
Thwarted more than one theft attempt.
Figured out how to use the cash register.
And spent hours with a wonderful woman named Becky whom I wish I'd met a year ago. I think she could be a good friend.

I'm off again, to go work Santa shop. Today, the kids get to bring their money and make purchases. It promises to be an interesting day.

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